E3 2017 HOT TAKE SPECIAL: EA Play

Today EA put on their not-at-E3-E3-Press-Conference and everyone was… well, it’s EA so expectations were where they needed to be.

If you want to watch it before reading all the HOT TAKES, you can do so here:

Here’s everything you need to know and how to feel about it.

  • Madden is taking on the same type of story mode that FIFA started using last year, which is expecte– HOLY SHIT MAHERSHALA ALI… which would have been a great way to sell the game if it wasn’t paired in the press conference by a drumline of people wearing Tom Brady jerseys.
  • There was a montage of clips from “content makers” and “influencers”, who… okay, so does anyone else feel a little bit weird about EA telling us to our faces how they view the streaming community? Like, I know we understand that streamers and YouTubers can help sell your games, but usually they don’t outright say that they’re trying to specifically use them in that way. Am I alone on that?
  • Do you like Battlefield 1, comrade? Yes? No? Maybe? I don’t know, have some DLC on the Russian front.
  • Also there was a bunch of stuff about esports. Sports game esports. There’s no link for this, no one cared enough to report on it.
  • EA still hasn’t learned that no one likes their cringy paid appearances. Which wasn’t really unexpected but the Men in Blazers guys? Couldn’t even get Ronaldo on stage despite him being your cover athlete?
  • Oh and the story mode in FIFA continues, called “Hunter Returns.” Also did he go anywhere? Where is he returning from? I’m so confused.
  • Real talk: I feel bad for the guy that introduced the Need for Speed segment. Either because his nerves got the best of him, or the teleprompter did.
  • Need for Speed Payback got a gameplay demo and… this looks pretty cool actually. A lot of Fast and Furious vibes, which is a game that sounds like something I want to play. I’m not sold yet but that was a good first impression.
  • The creator of Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons is making a game that basically looks like what would happen if Naughty Dog made a co-op prison break game– which basically meant that it was the most interesting non-Star-Wars-related thing they had to show.
  • And after showing the trailer, they let him talk for a while to explain the entire game. Then they showed another trailer to explain the entire game. This redundancy was a trend.
  • They really talked up Xbox Scorpio and proved it by showing 4K visuals that looked really good on my laggy, barely 720p stream.
  • BioWare finally unveiled their new IP, “Dylan.” I’m kidding that’s just the codename. Instead, they’ll be calling it by a new codename: “EA Destiny”, I mean “Anthem”. But we won’t see it until tomorrow on Xbox’s stage.
  • The trailer was immediately followed by 5 minutes trying to convince you to buy NBA Live. Spoiler alert: It’s probably not going to work.
  • EA announced that they’re charitable, and therefore human!
  • EA kept talking about how DICE “listened to all of us” and fixed all the issues from the previous game like no story mode and a lack of content as if they weren’t the company that published the game. You know what, the real winner of this press conference was probably EA’s shamelessness.
  • EA spent 30 minutes on the one game everyone watching actually cared about. Featuring a great trailer and a full multiplayer match. It was worth it.
  • Janina Gavankar is a bright ray of sunshine and saved this entire press conference. Bless.

Let her run all your press conferences, EA. Do it now.

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